Addicted to Money (NY Times article by Sam Polk)

I'll admit it -- from time to time I've read about the million$ that young kids are making on Wall Street and I've felt jealousy. I could have done that, I say to myself... and I'd be stinking rich by now.

Somehow it never occurred to me as a career path. After reading this article by Sam Polk I'm happy I didn't try to go down that road.

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/19/opinion/sunday/for-the-love-of-money.html?_r=0

I hope that link works for you (with the Times' paywall) because it's a really great read. Here's one of the money quotes:

From that moment on, I started to see Wall Street with new eyes. I noticed the vitriol that traders directed at the government for limiting bonuses after the crash. I heard the fury in their voices at the mention of higher taxes. These traders despised anything or anyone that threatened their bonuses. Ever see what a drug addict is like when he’s used up his junk? He’ll do anything — walk 20 miles in the snow, rob a grandma — to get a fix. Wall Street was like that. 

It somehow never occurred to me before that money could be that addicting -- but of course it makes so many things that rich and powerful people do make more sense, once you really absorb the idea.

In any case, thanks to Sam for giving me an eye-opening look at what it's like in that world... no doubt in my mind that Wall Street would have been a toxic environment for me. No regrets anymore about avoiding that career.

Quicky: LegalZoom Cares More About $8 than a Customer

TL;DR: LegalZoom sucks.

Slightly longer version: I used them about 6 weeks ago to set up a LLC. At the time there was some wording about "wow you also get a free trial of lame-service-you-don't-want!"

There was no way to opt out of said free trial.

I did get an email 2/3 of the way through the free trial reminding me that I had only 10 days left to enjoy these *cough* benefits... but not a word about "you will automatically be billed if you don't pick up the phone, call us (there is no way to cancel via their website, even if you try), and listen to our rep reading a script designed to make you feel silly about canceling".

Since I never agreed to automatic billing, I went about my business. Lo and behold -- without a single additional email making clear what was going on -- my credit card was recently billed for $7.99.

Now, $8 is not a Big Deal, but I'm loathe to pay for things I didn't want, didn't request, and didn't give someone explicit permission to bill my credit card for.

So I called the 800 number that was provided (again, you can't cancel via the website, only buy).

While the rep was courteous, they made it clear that company policy was that there are never any refunds for "services" like this that were added (a) without my option, (b) without my desire, and (c) without my using said service during the period I'm being charged $8 for. Even if it makes the difference between a satisfied customer and one that feels taken advantage of.

Let me clarify: LegalZoom would rather have my $8 than have a customer who feels they were treated fairly.

Now... given that these cats are lawyers, I have zero doubt that what they did here was 100% legal.

But it also sucks big hairy moose dick. And it's no way to run a business.

So if I ever have the opportunity to recommend a legal service, it will not be LegalZoom.

Shit; they're treating their customers as bas as cable companies or cell carriers, but without the lock-in effects those other companies have... it's almost like they *want* to fail.

Let's help them fail.

New year, new blog, new experiments...

I'm a huge fan of Monthly Experiments.

Try on a habit for one month, like you are taking a new outfit for a thorough test-wear... try it on, live with it for long enough to understand how it fits (or doesn't) into what you want your life to be.

At the end of the month, decide whether to keep the new habit, tweak it, or let it go. With just a little experiment every month you can create an entirely new life by the end of the year. Groovy.

For January 2014 my experiment is "write every day", and I've decided to start a new blog over at ItsAlwaysMorning.com to think out loud about living more intentionally.


Here's my current writing plan:

• Personal growth experiments, inspirational ideas I come across, experiments in work-life balance, and projects I undertake (including thinking about a lifestyle business) will live at ItsAlwaysMorning.com

• Everything I learn about startups as I try to help build Coursefork (my friend Brian's company) will be shared at SteveReaser.com.

• Personal bits and pieces that don't fit into one of those broad themes will continue to land here, as I need to get them out of my head.

So yeah, this is a bit messy, but let's give it a go and see where it takes me!

Sometimes the Little Things Are Huge

I got to thinking last night -- virtually all of the challenges we have faced with Maddie over the last 19 months boil down to the simple fact that she is gassy. Really gassy. Not "oh yeah, my baby was bubbly too... had to make sure to burp her twice after every feeding" gassy... I  mean something-is-fundamentally-not-working-in-her-GI-tract gassy.

And in a way, the fact that it is such a simple, basic thing makes it all the more frustrating.

(aside: I don't really intend for this blog to be all about Maddie's issues; I have other fun stuff to write about, actually -- but might as well make it three in a row and then hopefully back to more interesting stuff.)

Gassy from Day One

Even back to the beginning, when we were trying to breastfeed, gas was probably the biggest problem. Yes Maddie had some trouble taking food in, but she was determined and generally took enough in. But then the gas would hit, and she'd lose it all... she was never good at burping (that continues to today) but mostly I think it was the sheer quantity of gas in her tummy that made keeping food down nearly impossible.

At age two-months we gave up on breastfeeding, and used a NG-tube plus bottle to get the formula down. Tried a few different formulas; never found one that seemed truly easy on her stomach. Several months of this... constantly feeding, then holding her ever so carefully hoping to avoid any jiggle that might cause her to lose it all; and generally failing.

Throwing up everything she ate... all because of gas.

G-Tube + Fundoplication 

She was seven months old when we had to make the call to go with surgery. Everything in us wanted to avoid this step; if she could just get over this hump, we felt, then better to press on through and avoid permanently altering the geometry of her insides.

But sometimes toughing it out just doesn't cut it.

The fundoplication surgery essentially makes her incapable of throwing up. It also might make it harder to burp; which we're still paying for today. The G-tube allowed us to push more formula in than we were able to get her to take by mouth, and with less swallowing of air. This sounded like it should do the trick, then, but instead what we ended up with was a pressure cooker inside her tummy.

We use a pump to push formula into her tummy... in theory you can do this all day long, and just tend to her a bit (change the bag, vent the stomach) every few hours. But in our case, venting was basically a constant thing... every 5-10 minutes at times -- sometimes things built up such that we had to turn the pump off and spend an hour venting, holding, and rocking to try to get all the gas out before resuming feeding.

~20 hours per day trying to feed, and several bad retches per day; all because of gas.

Gas Bloat Syndrome, they now say; which literally means "Wow, this is one gassy baby... and now it's harder for the pressure to escape. Hmm that ain't good. Sorry about that!"

GJ Tube... Well, it Was Worth a Try!

The weight gain continued to elude us; she was getting about 600 calories/day rather than the 800 she needed, and it showed.

Another surgical procedure, and now she essentially had an input tube and an output tube... the way they described the venting port was "and in the unlikely case that she has a bubble, you can vent it". So of corse in practice, we had to keep her vented 24-7, even though we weren't putting anything at all into her tummy.

Much of the gas ended up shifted lower, leading to hour-long inconsolable screaming fits a couple of times per night. Still, it got her the calories she needed, and we would have stuck it out with the GJ if she hadn't suddenly developed a complete intolerance to the tube in her jejunum.

Our best guess is that the gas in her intestine started pushing bile back up into her tummy, causing retches about every hour.

Lots of pain and lost sleep for everyone including Maddie, and again, all because of the gas.

Back to G, Blenderizing

So we went home, and got to play home surgeon -- took the GJ-tube out and popped in a G-tube again. We're back to a single port to push in food and get out gas... but we're determined to get her the calories she needs if at all possible. (There is a surgical plan B, but let's not go there.)

We're trying to move away from formula, since she doesn't seem to be able to really tolerate it. Experimenting with different blends of food during the day -- and still feeding formula all night -- it's all trial and error because nobody really has any answers on this stuff.

In brief, it seems like this is going to work, but we have a lot more to figure out and a long slog any way you cut it... this would all be so much easier if it weren't for that one thing.

Such a Simple Thing -- Just Gas?

It sounds so innocuous. Just some gas; how big of a deal can that be? Right:

• Net net: 19 months old; development of a ~9 month old.
• She can't really handle being on her back. Which means you can't set her down like any other baby... have to hold her pretty much all day.
• When you do put her down for a nap, within minutes she'll start coughing. Not a little "tickle in my throat" cough mind you; but a red-faced-trying-to-hack-up-a-lung cough that she can't recover from without help.
• Working nearly 24-hours a day to get food in her and keep it inside... yep, night shifts.
• When we do stop for a couple of hours, for PT for example to see friends, that cuts into her calories for the day.
• Hasn't learned to crawl; in part because she can't tolerate tummy time (and is contending with a vent tube, as well). Even sitting seems to upset her stomach.
• Any time you put her in a chair, get her up, etc you have to deal with the tube. Tape things in place, make sure she can't get at them, etc... "tucking her in" means tucking in the tubes.
• Inconsolable screaming fits; still hasn't spoken her first word so she can't tell us what she needs.
• Still retches ~ once per day... poor little girl.

And really, this all stems from the gas problem.

Now the point of this isn't "oh, poor us". It does feel good to write this out... but the thought I started with is the main point that I wanted to end with:

It's such a simple thing... tummy gas. Most people just burp it out without thinking; it's just amazing even to me that such a simple thing could cascade into so many serious and life-changing results.

We're in a little domino-effect loop... and it's all because of the gas.

Sept 25 -- A Whole New Chapter for Madison

Feels like a brand new day!

While it's only been three days since the procedure, I think we will look back at September 25th as the inflection point when things finally started to really get better for Maddie. And by extension for all of us. 

Since then, she's had several retches (usually when trying to lay on her back with anything in her stomach). She tries to throw up but can't, and unfortunately that gets uncomfortable... her face turns red and she gets hot and sweaty... after a few minutes it subsides and she's back to her normal happy self. Usually.

Last night she woke at 2am with intestinal gas... 45 minutes of screaming and thrashing until she got some bubbles out and passed out. Followed shortly by us passing out.

She able to tolerate being on her back for a short time; a few minutes, it seems, without getting gaggy. Sometimes we wonder how she manages to sleep on her back at night (her crib is inclined, but still).

And all day long we're still venting her... about hourly she'll need to push out a bubble of gas from her tummy, even though we're not putting food in her belly anymore.

Cute new GJ button!

Still -- this is all WAY better than it was before we changed from the G-tube to a GJ tube. Really. It's not night and day... but it feels like a whole different and more level of insanity.

Before, she could generally only take a few seconds on her back, not minutes. The gas was at least 20 times as prolific; so we spent 12+ hours a day holding her and venting her. Couldn't set her down and couldn't leave her unattended for a minute because she was so prone to retching... all day you were on pins and needles vigilantly listening for the warning sounds of a bad gas bubble brewing.

You know that feeling when you step out of the car into a really cold wind and you just grit your teeth and mostly hold your breath until you get into the house... yeah it's felt like that for the last year or so.

So while we still have a long ways to go and while we're still figuring out a new schedule and the mechanics of GJ feeding, I'd say this is finally on the solid upswing.

Gotta go... time to feed her again...

Baby Formula Calculator

We have had to experiment with different concentrations of baby formula; oddly enough I could not find an online calculator to let me easily figure out how much water and formula to mix to obtain the concentration (calories per ounce) that I wanted.

So I made this -- I hope you find it useful! (Use arrow keys to navigate.)

<< Or Click Here to Embiggen >>

This formula calculator assumes that your formula follows the same "standard" that I've seen on every formula I've checked; that is, 1 scoop of formula per 2 oz of water to create formula with 20 calories per ounce.

On the formula cans I checked, this "caloric density" was stated in the nutrition area as 100 calories per 5 oz serving. They also stated that each scoop of formula added 0.2 oz to the final volume; so that's what I used in the calculations.

This calculator lets you run the numbers 3 different ways:

1) If you are trying to hit a particular total number of calories with a particular caloric density -- for example if you are making up a pitcher for the day -- the first row should do the trick. Just enter your calorie target and desired concentration in the green cells.

2) As a variation on #1, if you have already figured out that you plan to use a particular number of scoops of formula and know the caloric density you need, try the second version.

2) If, instead, you want to find out what caloric density a particular combination of water and scoops would yield, the third row has you covered.

If you find this useful please drop me a comment! (Also if there are any other calculation variations that you would find extremely helpful, let me know and I'll improve the calculator if I can.)

4/3 years old!

Thank goodness I'm cute...

Our "Maddie Maddie" is 16 months old today.

Hard to believe. The last few months have been a blur as we've doubled down on trying to get her back on track; it's still been impossible thus far to get all of her prescribed therapies in, and she's not finishing her pitchers of formula these days... which just means we have more work ahead of us.

She's 16 months; but in many ways is the equivalent of a 6-month-old. She's responsive and interested in people, toys, etc... but is stuck in a body that just hasn't developed yet.

We'll get there -- and today things are still far better than they were just a few months ago -- but just for posterity here's where we sit today:

• She can't yet walk, crawl, hold in "4-point", or even sit unassisted.
• Still waiting for that first real word! (by now Sydney had a 250+ word vocabulary)
• Spending ~20 hours/day tending to Maddie, one way or another...
• Fighting constantly to get enough food in her g-tube
• Alternating nights "on duty"... she is on the pump all night, so you need to change the bag once around 1-2am, and also need to vent Maddie between 4 and 10 times a night. We tag out at 6am so the night person can get a three hour nap, at least...
• In theory, we're supposed to have her in her ankle braces at least an hour in the morning and in the afternoon.
• Should be putting her in her stander at least twice a day...
• Should be practicing eating purees 2-3 times/day...
• Floor time -- she needs as much as she can get. But with her tummy it's a challenge to get 10 minutes/day.
• Poops and baths are generally a 2-person job, due to the vent tube.
• Bubbles vent gurgle vent bubbles vent vent vent... aaaaaarch!... vent...

She clearly wants to move and do things, which means everything. And at least we are, perhaps, done with the retching at last! Nothing we did; she seems to finally be growing out of that... and it's been a few weeks at least since the last non-stop full-volume inconsolable thrashing and screaming fit at 1am. (Wow gas pains are fun, right?)

Still things are progressing, albeit slowly. One day this will all just be a memory. The day we get to purge our house of all the medical supplies that currently occupy her room and the kitchen -- well, that will be a beautiful day.

"We put one foot in front of the other..."